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Census: 150,000 gay couples report they're married

AFP/File - Gay men exchanging rings at their wedding. US lawmakers opposed to a 1996 law that bars the US government from recognizing same-sex marriages will launch a campaign Tuesday to repeal the ban, leaders of the group said Monday.
(AFP/File/Philippe Desmazes)

By HOPE YEN, Associated Press Writer
Tue Sep 22, 12:01 am ET

WASHINGTON - Nearly 150,000 same-sex couples reported being in marriage relationships last year, many more than the number of actual weddings and civil unions, according to the first U.S. census figures released on same-sex marriages.

About 27 percent of the estimated 564,743 total gay couples in the United States said they were in a relationship akin to "husband" and "wife," according to the Census Bureau tally provided to The Associated Press. That's compared with 91 percent of the 61.3 million total opposite-sex couples who reported being married.

A consultant to the Census Bureau estimated there were roughly 100,000 official same-sex weddings, civil unions and domestic partnerships in 2008.

Analysts said the disparities are probably a reflection of same-sex couples in committed relationships who would get married if they could in their states. The numbers are also an indicator of the count to come in the 2010 census, a tally that could stir a state-by-state fight over same-sex marriage, gay adoption and other legal rights.

Nationwide, about 56 percent of the 149,956 total same-sex marriages in the census survey last year were lesbian couples. Same-sex spouses were reported in every state; specific breakdowns weren't immediately available.

"Even though in 2008 there were only a few states where you could get legally married, a large portion of same-sex couples either were married or chose to use that term," said Gary Gates, a demographer at UCLA who is advising the Census Bureau.

Gates reviewed the number of marriage licenses issued and other factors to estimate the number of same-sex couples in legal relationships. During 2008, same-sex marriage was legal in California, Massachusetts, Iowa and Connecticut, while a handful of other states recognized civil unions and domestic partnerships. U.S. same-sex couples also can marry in Canada and other foreign countries.

Curtis Chin, 41, and Jeff Kim, 43, of Los Angeles, are among those who plan to report to the census that they are spouses. The two were planning a big wedding for 2009 but rushed into a private legal ceremony last fall when it became clear that California voters would soon ban same-sex marriages. Chin says he and Kim won't feel like they are really married until they do a follow-up ceremony in front of family and friends but believe it's important to get a full count.

"Gay couples are getting married or in committed relationships, and we are out here," he said.

The numbers come as the Census Bureau prepares to make an official count of same-sex marriages, unions and partnerships for the first time in the 2010 head count, following the Obama administration's decision to provide the numbers under pressure from gay-rights groups.

The figures provided to the AP also included higher, previously unreleased numbers for the three previous years.

In 2007, 341,000 out of 753,618 total same-sex couples reported being in a marriage relationship, even though only about 11,000 marriage licenses had been issued in the country. The numbers were even higher for 2005 and 2006; about 390,000 each year reported being in a same-sex marriage out of nearly 780,000 reported gay couples.

Martin O'Connell, the Census Bureau's chief of the fertility and family statistics branch, attributed the higher numbers in previous years to a confusing survey layout and formatting errors. He said those problems were corrected for 2008.

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Gay Portage teen assault draws big response from LGBTs

Two boys charged with assault - but not with committing a hate crime



by Jessica Carreras

Originally printed 8/27/2009 (Issue 1735 - Between The Lines News)

PORTAGE, Mich. - The Portage teen who was beaten up earlier this month for being gay has elicited quite a response from the LGBT community - and inspired many, too.

According to the Kalamazoo Gazette, Steven Harmon, 15, was hanging out at a local Chuck E. Cheese with a 17-year-old girl who is a friend of his on the night of Aug. 13 when two boys, ages 15 and 16, began harassing them, calling them anti-gay slurs such as "faggot" and "dyke."

After leaving the establishment, Harmon and his friend were approached by the two boys again in the parking lot of the apartment complex where the girl lives. The boys continued with the name-calling and began to punch Harmon in the face and head until his friend stopped them and the boys ran away.

The reason for their animosity? Harmon had just come out the week before as gay, and his friend was a lesbian.

"From reviewing the report, it would appear the suspects may have targeted him because of his sexual orientation," Lt. Tom Palenick of the Portage Police Department told the Gazette. "Our department chose the most serious crime that we could charge them with under the circumstances and the most serious charge was issued by the prosecutor's office."

Harmon's mother, Lynette Rocha, vowed to have the boys prosecuted for hate crimes against her son - but is unable to do so because current Michigan hate crimes law only covers gender, race, color, religion and national origin.

Harmon suffered a skull fracture, bruising and a black eye from the assault, but Rocha maintains that it could have been much worse: her son could have been killed. "This is going to stop," she told Portage news channel WWMT. "If his friend wasn't there it could have put him into a coma or killed him."

Both boys have been arrested and charged as juveniles with aggravated assault, according to Kalamazoo County Prosecutor Jeff Fink. The older boy pleaded guilty to the charge on Aug. 18, while the other has not yet entered a plea. The former is being held in the county juvenile home until his Sept. 14 hearing.

On the victim's side, Harmon - who begins as a freshman at the local high school next month - is staying strong and speaking out about the incident. "They did not break my spirit," he said on WWMT. "I'm still standing today and I'm still who I am."

Likewise, the LGBT community in Kalamazoo and beyond is standing in support of the teen.

"We were shocked and deeply saddened to learn of the recent attack ... ," said Kalamazoo Alliance for Equality Chair Josh Vandeburgh. "We hope to work with the police and justice system to ensure this case comes to an appropriate resolution."

KAFE, which works for LGBT equality in the area, added that the incident is just one of many that stresses the need for protection from discrimination and assault based on sexual orientation and gender identity or expression. "While we are appalled something like this could take place in our community," Vandeburgh said, "incidents like these highlight the ongoing need for community education regarding lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender issues in order to make the greater Kalamazoo area a safe and inclusive place to live, work and play."

"We were just blown out of the water that Kalamazoo is here moving forward on equality and just 20 miles away in the suburb of Portage, a 15-year-old was beaten up," commented Project Light Executive Director Adam Taylor. "He could have easily been murdered."

Project Light is a west Michigan-based organization formed by Taylor to educate the community about the risks of depression and suicide for LGBT teens - and to help those who are struggling with either. The non-profit contends that gay, lesbian and transgender teens are twice as likely to contemplate, attempt or commit suicide, and that many of their negative feelings begin with bullying at school.

This, said Taylor, was also the case with Harmon. "From what I heard from friends, the bullying had started in school but had not been addressed," Taylor said. "It was like, 'Hey, break it up' and that was it. It continued after school and it's a prime example, once again, of why we need anti-bullying bills."

Like comprehensive hate crimes legislation, Michigan also currently has no bill on the books that protects students from bullying by their peers. LGBT advocates and allied groups have pushed both bills for years, but neither has been passed into law.

Currently, anti-bullying legislation, known as Matt's Safe Schools Bill, remains stagnant in both the House of Representatives and the Senate. Hate crimes legislation remains in a similar state in Michigan.

Federal hate crimes legislation that would protect LGBT people, the Matthew Shepard Act, stands poised to be passed into law in September. The House of Representatives passed the bill in April, while the Senate passed it as an amendment to the Department of Defense authorization bill in July. Congress must reconcile the differences in each version of the bill before they are sent to President Barack Obama, presumably in September when Congress goes back into session. Obama has indicated that he will sign a hate crimes bill that comes to his desk.

Back in west Michigan, Taylor said he was just happy to hear that Harmon's response was not to back down, but to speak up about what happened to him. "I think it's very admirable that he was able to (speak out)," he said. "Instead of getting beaten down and staying down and letting it defeat him, he's getting back up. That's incredibly admirable."

What can you do?

Want to help Steven Harmon and others like him who are assaulted or harassed because of their sexual orientation or gender identity or expression?

Call your Senators and Representatives and encourage them to vote "yes" on both local and federal hate crimes legislation, and local anti-bullying legislation. To find your local elected officials, and to check the status of local laws that affect LGBT people, go to www.hrc.org/your_community/index.htm.

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Gay marriage fight, 'kiss-ins' smack Mormon image

Play Video Gay &. Lesbian Issues Video: Couples gather in Atlanta to kiss for gay rights AP



Play Video Gay & Lesbian Issues Video:'Kiss-ins' smack back at public displays of affection KMOV Channel 4 St. Louis

By JENNIFER DOBNER
Associated Press - Sun Aug 16, 2:03 am ET

SALT LAKE CITY - The Mormon church's vigorous, well-heeled support for Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California last year, has turned the Utah-based faith into a lightning rod for gay rights activism, including a nationwide "kiss-in" Saturday.

The event comes after gay couples here and in San Antonio and El Paso, Texas, were arrested, cited for trespassing or harassed by police for publicly kissing. In Utah, the July 9 trespassing incident occurred after a couple were observed by security guards on a downtown park-like plaza owned by the 13 million-member Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The court case was dismissed, but the kiss sparked a community backlash and criticism of the church.

"I don't think that kiss would have turned out to be the kiss heard round the world if it were not for Proposition 8," said Ash Johnsdottir, organizer of the Salt Lake City Kiss-In.

Atali Staffler, a Brigham Young University graduate student from Geneva, Switzerland, said she joined the 200 or so people who filled a downtown amphitheater for the event because she has watched her gay father and many gay friends struggle to find their place.

The 31-year-old, who was raised Mormon but is not active in the church, said the church shouldn't be involved in Prop. 8.

"I encourage them to promote the values they believe in and to defend their religious principles in advertisements, but civil rights have nothing to do with religious principles," she said.

Twenty-two people, many of them strangers to one another, gathered under the scorching sun on Washington's National Mall to participate in the national smooch. They were gay and straight, couples and singles of all ages, with placards that read "Equal Opportunity Kisser" and "A Kiss is a Not a Crime."

"This is America. A kiss on the cheek is OK," said Ian Thomas, 26, of Leesburg, Va., who organized the Washington Kiss-In. "It's got to be OK. If not, we're in serious trouble."

About 50 people, mostly gay and lesbian couples, gathered at Piedmont Park in downtown Atlanta and kissed for about five minutes.

"You think that America is evolving into a gay-friendly nation," said Randal Smith, 42, "but what happened in Texas and Utah show us it's still a long way off."

National organizers say Saturday's broadly held gay rights demonstrations were not aimed specifically at the Mormon church. But observers say the church's heavy-handed intervention into California politics will linger and has left the faith's image tarnished.

"What I hear from my community and from straight progressive individuals is that they now see the church as a force for evil and as an enemy of fairness and equality," said Kate Kendell, executive director of the San Francisco-based National Center for Lesbian Rights. Kendell grew up Mormon in Utah. "To have the church's very deep and noble history telescoped down into this very nasty little image is as painful for me as for any faithful Mormon."

Troy Williams, who is gay and grew up Mormon, said ending the tension between gays and the church requires mutual acceptance and understanding.

"For both sides to peaceably coexist, we're all going to have to engage in some very deep soul searching," said Williams, a Salt Lake City-area activist and host of a liberal radio talk show.

Church insiders say Prop. 8 has bred dissent among members and left families divided. Some members have quit or stopped attending services, while others have appealed to leadership to stay out of the same-sex marriage fight.

But church spokeswoman Kim Farah said Friday that Mormon support for traditional marriage has nothing to do with public relations.

"It's too easy for those whose agenda is to change societal standards to claim there are great difficulties inside the Church because of its decision to support traditional marriage," Kim Farah said. "In reality the Church has received enormous support for its defense of marriage."

Mormonism teaches that homosexual sex is considered a sin, but gays are welcome in church and can maintain church callings and membership if they remain celibate.

The church has actively fought marriage equality legislation across the U.S. since the early 1990s and joined other faiths in asking Congress for a marriage amendment to the Constitution in 2006.

Last year at the urging of church leaders, Mormons donated tens of millions of dollars to the "Yes on 8" campaign and were among the most vigorous volunteers. The institutional church gave nearly $190,000 to the campaign - contributions now being investigated by California's Fair Political Practices Commission.

After the vote, many gay rights advocates turned their anger toward the church in protests and marches outside temples that singled out Mormons as the key culprits in restricting the rights of gay couples.

That constituted a setback for the faith, argued Jan Shipps, a professor of religious history and a Mormon expert from Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis.

Mormonism, Shipps said, has struggled with its image since its western New York founding in 1830 for a host of reasons, including polygamy.

Leading up to Salt Lake City's 2002 Olympic Winter Games, the faith worked hard to craft a modern, mainstream image, touting its unique American history, culture and worldwide humanitarian work to thousands of reporters.

"This really undercut the Mormon image that had been so carefully nurtured during the Olympics," Shipps said.

Church representatives don't discuss public relations strategies or challenges publicly, but at a semiannual conference in April, church President Thomas S. Monson seemed to be clearly feeling a post-Prop. 8 sting.

In an era of "shifting moral footings," Monson said, "those who attempt to safeguard those footings are often ridiculed, picketed and persecuted."

That argument doesn't wash for Linda Stay, whose ancestors were early Mormon converts. Stay said she was doubly transformed by Prop. 8. She and her husband, Steve, finally quit the church - along with 18 other family members and a few close friends - and became gay right activists.

The St. George woman's family, which includes two gay children, will play a central role in a documentary film, "8: The Mormon Proposition" currently in production. Stay's son, Tyler Barrick, married his boyfriend in San Francisco on June 17, 2008, the first day gay marriage was legal in California.

Miami-area filmmaker Reed Cowan said the Stays' story is a painful representative of many Latter-day Saint families, including his own, that needed to be told.

"It used to be that I could defend my church and my heritage, but what they did here, they crossed the line and they made it very hard to defend their actions," said Cowan, whose family has cut him off since he began work on the film.

With the gay rights fight far from over, some believe Prop. 8 could continue to frustrate the church's image for years to come, much like polygamy - the church's own one-time alternative form of marriage - and a policy on keeping black men out of the priesthood, issues that have lingered years after the practices were abandoned.

"The church is certainly going to survive and thrive, there's no question about that," said the National Center for Lesbian Rights' Kendell, who is raising three kids in California with her partner of 16 years. "The issue is, what will be its image in the average American mindset."

To see the church characterized, because of its own actions, as one in a group of anti-gay religions and as a religion that forces members to choose faith over family is "a tragedy of generational proportion," she said. "And it seems to me, that it was entirely unnecessary."

Associated Press writers Gillian Gaynair in Washington, D.C., and Peter Prengaman in Atlanta contributed to this report.

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Senate approves hate crimes bill

Bill attached to defense spending, but could be vetoed by Obama
By Lisa Keen

Originally printed 7/23/2009 (Issue 1730 - Between The Lines News)

The Senate approved the long-sought Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act by a voice vote on the night of July 16. The measure, however, was approved as an amendment to an annual defense spending bill. While President Barack Obama has long supported the hate crimes legislation, he adamantly opposed additional funding for the purchase of stealth fighter jets, a program he is trying to eliminate.

White House LGBT press liaison Shin Inouye released a statement Friday, July 17, saying:

"The President has long supported the hate crimes bill and gave his personal commitment to Judy Shepard that we will enact an inclusive bill. Unfortunately, the President will have to veto the Defense Authorization bill if it includes wasteful spending for additional F-22s." Inouye added that such a veto "would not indicate any change in President Obama's commitment to seeing the hate crimes bill enacted."

Sen. John McCain introduced an amendment to strip out the money for the jets that he and the Pentagon agree could be better spent. But many in Congress wanted to keep spending money on new F-22s because their production employs thousands of people working for hundreds of subcontractors in 44 states.

However, the matter was settled Tuesday, July 21 in a win for Obama as the Senate slashed the $1.75 billion for the jets from the bill in a 58-40 vote.

Only in Washington could the fate of a bill to combat hate crimes be tied to the fate of seven stealth fighter jets.

Here's how this odd couple of hate crimes and defense spending came to be so entwined: Majority Leader Harry Reid said the Democratically controlled Senate couldn't get Republican cooperation to consider a stand-alone hate crimes bill. The legislation seeks to add sexual orientation, gender, gender identity and disability to the existing federal hate crimes law. Some Republicans have opposed it as violating the First Amendment right of citizens to express their hatred of gays and others. They warned the law might be used to prosecute religious leaders who espouse disapproval for homosexuality, for instance, before their congregations.

Reid said passing the measure as an amendment to the DOD authorization bill then became the expedient way to gain passage. Republicans - including Sen. McCain - cried foul, saying it was attaching a non-germane issue to a much-needed defense funding bill. But, in fact, it has been a common tactic in the Senate - one used for years by senators such as Jesse Helms to attach all manner of anti-gay amendments to various funding measures.

But this time, it appears to be working in favor of LGBT Americans. Supporters of the bill are calling this attempt the greatest chance the bill has had of passing in its 12-year history.

Death penalty problems

However, problems from the hate crimes legislation are still on the horizon that could cause the bill to lose support in Congress. The most troublesome is a measure introduced by conservative Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) to allow for the death penalty to be administered with some hate crimes. This so-called "poison pill" could cause some senators to back out on their support of the bill, hindering its passage.

But the Human Rights Campaign, the LGBT community's primary lobbying group, said it "strongly opposes" the attachment of the death penalty amendments to the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention language. The group said the death penalty provisions for hate-motivated murders were added by opponents of the hate crimes amendment in hopes of derailing it.

Rea Carey, executive director of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, echoed their sentiments.

The overall defense spending bill now goes to a House-Senate conference committee to hammer out a final version for passage. It is there, HRC hopes the death penalty measures will be removed from the Senate bill and the F-22 funding will be removed from the House version.

But Brad Luna, a spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaign, said his group is "very confident" the support exists in both chambers to keep the hate crimes measure in the bill.

The hate crimes bill passed as stand-alone legislation in the House in April. And in the Senate July 16, a roll call vote to force consideration of the hate crimes amendment passed by a 63 to 28 margin.

"There may be some bumps along the way," said Luna, "but it will get there."

Luna also pointed out that the statement from the White House noted that the president gave Matthew Shepard's mother, Judy, his "personal commitment" that the hate crimes measure will be enacted.

The hate crimes measure was attached to the DOD authorization bill in 2007, only to be stripped out during a House-Senate conference committee. That same scenario could be building now, especially since many Republicans oppose the hate crimes measure. McCain, the ranking minority member of the Senate Armed Services Committee, derided consideration of the hate crimes amendment last week as jeopardizing "the nation's security" and "the needs of the men and women who are serving our military."

Check www.pridesource.com and next week's issue of Between The Lines for updates on this and other pending national and local LGBT legislation.

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The Value of Community

Over 10 years ago (because of my parents and family) I decided to move back to Michigan after a career in the Washington D.C area. A friend suggested I check out the Internet and see if there was a gay community in the area that I was interested in moving to. I did and found "Friends North" a local social organization that also had a newsletter. On my first trip back to Michigan to look around I went to the "Bookie Joint" a book store in Traverse City that carried the newsletter. They were out of the newsletter and the woman behind the counter gave me her personal copy. From reading the newsletter I contacted a gay friendly realtor and to shorten a long story I ended up buying a home in the T. C. area.

After moving here I got involved in F. N. and even got on the board of directors. We had many functions and gatherings as an organization. It was a wonderful way to meet new friends, many of which have become part of my extended family. Before I forget....... as a board member I delivered the F.N. newsletter to the various locations including the "Bookie Joint" where I got my first copy .........what goes around comes around.......so to speak!

As the years past F.N. had less and less of a following. Groups that met seemed to no longer need the organization to socialize and found other ways. I feel there is still a need for a network for information and socializing. If it wasn't for F.N. I doubt if I would have such a fulfilled life here in Northern Michigan.

So, when a web site was offered to the community, it gave me a good feeling that what we had in the past could happen again but in a new way. Let's all support this new web site and keep the community together and aware of all we have to offer each other. Let's show our strength in this new way!!

One final thought, if you have an article to share please submit it through the "Contact Us" page.

Richard

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Goodnight Sweet Prince

(reprinted from the Friends North "45 Degrees North" Newsletter, Spring 2002)

High school is a distant memory that resurfaces when I hear about tragedies like Columbine. In my high school days I was always picked on. I was six foot two and skinny as a rail. The phrase "Let's beat up the queers" wasn't in use yet. It was "Let's get the sissies" back then.

One afternoon I stayed late to help on a project. The halls were empty and dark as I went from class to my locker. When I got there I was surrounded by the usual group of bullies that haunted the halls of Saginaw High. I knew they had it in for me as a few days earlier I had run from their threats and they couldn't catch me. Today was different: I couldn't get away.

Suddenly a big black athlete grabbed one of my assailants and slammed him up against the lockers. He told him, "If you don't leave my friend David alone, they'll be scraping you off the wall! Needless to say, I wasn't bothered again. Oh, I got snide remarks and obscene gestures but I was never again bothered physically. I wish I could remember my friend's name so I could look him up and thank him for how he affected my life but this was more than fifty years ago. He towered over me and had the type of body that looked like he should be doing commercials for an exercise machine. He was also strikingly handsome. I wasn't gay yet and knew nothing about sex. I did, however, follow him around like a little puppy dog. I loved the way I felt just being with this guy because I knew I was safe. This set the stage for the type of man I would be attracted to.

I was twenty-one years old when I found my first lover. We had a great relationship that lasted ten years. We just grew out of love with each other but remained friends. I spent the next three years playing the field and doing the bar scene, which I hated. It was during that time I made the biggest mistake of my life by getting involved with a married man. Looking back, I now realize I wasn't in love with him but had become obsessed with someone I couldn't have.

It was in 1969 and I was sitting in the Woodward Bar in Detroit. That night there was the usual "during the week" crowd. Someone came in the back door but I couldn't quite see his face until he sat down. I had seen him before but never had the nerve to approach him. This night he kept looking at me and my heart was beating wildly in anticipation of what might happen. He came over to me and said, "Come on, we're going home!" I didn't hesitate for a second because I was looking at exactly what I had dreamed about for so long. I liked his self-assurance. He was six foot four, 185 pounds of muscle and strong as a bull. The first time he held me in his arms, that feeling of long ago came flowing back. I felt like the kid in high school being protected from the bullies. I felt there was no one or nothing that could harm me now.

It wasn't long before he wanted us to be a couple. I was still getting over that married man and felt it would be unfair to say yes at that time. I wanted to make sure I wasn't doing this on the rebound. A short time later I did say "yes" but it was two years before I actually moved in with him. From the day we met we were inseparable but decided we needed to make sure of everything before a major move like this. We had to be sure there was more to the relationship than sex. It was five years from the time we met before we moved to Traverse City, bought property together and opened joint accounts at the local bank. By this time complete trust was there. He preferred we remain in the closet as he felt being open about our relationship could hurt his automotive business. That was fine with me as I had everything I wanted in him. We still had gay friends in Detroit and went there at least every six months. I think the thing I am proudest of is that not once in 32 years did either of us stray.

Finding my "knight in shining armor" didn't mean everything was perfect. We had our problems like any other couple. For about six or seven years I had to fight his alcoholism, which almost destroyed our relationship. We did get through that and I thought the rough times were over. Little did I know they were just starting.

In 1984 he had a TIA or mini stroke. The symptoms were gone by the time he saw a doctor but after extensive tests we found his right carotid artery had closed. The left one was 70 percent blocked. He was already taking medication for high blood pressure so he saw his cardiologist who found he needed balloon angioplasty. In Traverse City, they weren't doing any heart surgery or even angioplasty at this time so he was sent to Petoskey. A few years later he went back to have the other carotid artery cleaned out. They waited until it was 90 percent closed before they would take the chance.

By 1990 he needed back surgery. Years of doing backbends under cars and leaning over fenders as a mechanic had taken its toll. Two of the discs had deteriorated and a plate was put in their place. After being in a body cast for six or more months his left leg was numb and very painful. Another back surgery in 1991 showed there had been nerve damage and nothing could be done about his leg.

Over the years he lost weight each time he was hospitalized. He never regained all of the weight he lost. In 1995, quintuple bypass surgery was performed and he began to go further downhill. After his heart surgery when I saw that "zipper" down his chest, I quit smoking on the spot. Late in 1995 he needed bypass surgery from the main aorta to the left leg. This helped eliminate the pain but his leg was still numb and he walked with a limp from that point on. Even after all of this he refused to quit smoking!

Every two years following the heart surgery he was back in the hospital for congestive heart failure. This was in the spring of 1997, 1999 and 2001. The final time his kidneys were only operating at 20 percent. They put an access shunt in his arm as he would need to be on dialysis for the rest of his life. He was in the hospital for two weeks and they let him come home to rest up for a heart valve replacement. This would have stopped the congestive heart failure. After 12 hours at home he was having problems breathing and was taken right back to the hospital. Only part of his heart was working and the kidneys were getting worse. I knew he was too old and in too bad a shape to be eligible for a kidney transplant so I offered one of mine if I was a compatible donor. The doctors said "One thing at a time. We have to get his leaky heart valve replaced first." I doubted he could withstand another open-heart surgery. I wasn't even sure he could survive a kidney transplant. He was already beginning to look 85 instead of 65 and resembled something out of a holocaust film but I still always saw the hunk I met back in 1969. Even in the hospital, when he put his arms around me I still felt like the kid in high school being protected from the bullies. However, when I looked down at him in the bed I realized that a long time ago I had become the protector.

While trying to eat, he was having severe back pain and the nurse gave him a shot to relieve it. Almost immediately after receiving the shot he said he wasn't feeling right and he was all hot and sweaty. He tried to get from the chair to the bed but almost collapsed. The nurse and I got him to bed and I got a cold wash cloth to put on his forehead. At that point he noticed the floral arrangement that a friend from New York had sent. I put it on a table at the foot of the bed where he could enjoy it. As I was changing the cold compresses he said, "You should have left it at home, you're the one that deserves it!" I almost lost it right there but I kissed him and told him how much I loved him. He did likewise. I didn't realize it at the time but we had just said our good-byes.

I hadn't slept in several days so I went home to grab a nap and some lunch. I'm glad I left when I did as he coded (his heart stopped) almost immediately after I left. I ate and went right back but I found no bed in his room! After his heart had been restarted he had been taken to the CCU where they were in the process of putting in a temporary pacemaker. I waited all day to hear that and went home to attempt to get some sleep. That night they called me that he had coded again and the doctors would call me. I was told his kidneys had failed completely and they would not do dialysis on someone who had been coded twice. The doctor said they would make him comfortable and the next time his heart stopped they would do nothing. At 2:10 A.M. on April 30, 2001 he died.

Epilogue:
Grief is not new to me. I lost both of my parents and a brother but nothing prepared me for the loss of the person I spent most of my adult life with. He had been part of me for 32 years. Not having any gay friends in Traverse City didn't help the matter either. Friends North was there for me and has now become my family. Through them I have made even more friends. They can be there for you too. Whether you've experienced something life altering and need a friend to talk to, or if you just want some new friends to socialize with, stop by at a Friends North 4th Thursday Potluck Dinner, 2nd Thursday Film Night or one of our many other activities and get acquainted.

Please note that Friends North no longer exists but check out our calendar for things you can become part of.

When I originally wrote this article, my mate's name was included. My sincere thanks to a new friend who had the insight to see what I was too close to this article to see. Because my mate was such a private man and wanted to remain in the closet, I have honored this by not using his name. Anyone close to me knows who he was. To anyone who doesn't know me, a name would not matter.

David

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Gay elders' distinctive challenges get closer look

By DAVID CRARY, AP National Writer Sun Oct 5, 3:36 AM ET

NEW YORK - Frank Carter was once a globe-trotting professional dancer; his world is smaller now. He battles multiple health problems, walks with a cane and rarely leaves his compact Manhattan apartment. As an 86-year-old gay man, with no family nearby and many acquaintances long since dead, he'd seem a likely prospect for isolation. Instead, he has kindled a deep, five-year friendship with Gigi Stoll, a fashion model-turned-photographer half his age. Stoll helps Carter with medical arrangements, writes to him when she travels overseas, and sat with him for six hours during his most recent hospitalization.

"The other guys in the hospital, no one was coming in to see them," Carter said. "To get that gift, you have to be lucky." It's not just luck. Stoll came into his life though a program that matches infirm gays and lesbians with volunteers who commit to making weekly visits. Long overlooked by society at large, and even by younger gays, elderly gays and lesbians are emerging as distinct community, getting more help and attention as they confront challenges that differ in many ways from their heterosexual counterparts.

Advocacy groups say the estimated 2.5 million gay seniors in America are twice as likely to live alone, four times less likely to have adult children to help them, and far more fearful of discrimination from health care workers. Many fear anti-gay animosity or bias at senior centers, in nursing homes and from health care providers. Some gay elders even keep their sexual orientation secret from the home health aides who may provide their only sustained company.

A watershed moment comes this month, when the AARP - the largest advocacy group for Americans over 50 - for the first time sponsors a major national conference focused on gay and lesbian aging. It's being organized by SAGE (Service and Advocacy for GLBT Elders), the New York-based organization which counts Carter and Stoll among its thousands of clients and volunteers. AARP's involvement is "a big breakthrough," SAGE executive director Michael Adams said. "To step forward and sponsor a conference of this high profile and splash your name all over, it's a quantum leap." There will be workshops on a whole array of issues: mental health care and suicide prevention, transgender seniors, rising levels of HIV/AIDS among gay men over 50, and special challenges facing elderly gays in suburbs and small towns.

"There are very particular areas that make us a more vulnerable constituency of old people," said Amber Hollibaugh, 62, an expert on aging with the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. "We tend to age alone, with no one to call on in times of need," she said. "We don't have a daughter to move in with us - we don't have a kid to call when we're admitted to the hospital because we fall and break a hip." Yet some of the somber dynamics are beginning to change. Today's gay elderly do face unique problems - but they also remember the bad old days in the closet, and many celebrate the joys of gay life in the 21st century.

Logically, Garrison Phillips ought to be a lonely man. Though still handsome and charming as he approaches 79, he is, like most gay men of his generation, childless. His partner died five years ago. His older brother has refused to speak to him for decades.

Yet the former actor emerges regularly from his fifth-floor walk-up apartment in Manhattan to engage in an array of civic activities and volunteer work. He blogs, does public speaking and lobbying for SAGE, helps out at workshops on caregiving with tips learned from assisting his mother and aunts.

Phillips and his contemporaries lived most of their lives in an era where gays feared being too open about their sexuality. Only as elders have they witnessed the activism that has drastically reduced the ranks of closeted gays and built momentum in support of same-sex marriage. "You were forced to lie every single day of your life," Phillips recalled. "I lied to my parents, I lied to my teachers, I lied to get into the Army. Now you don't have to lie anymore." Phillips was raised in West Virginia, and served in Korea during the Korean War. He knew no other gay soldiers, and confided about being gay only to his company commander, a high school teacher. "He respected who I was - he told me to be careful," said Phillips, who still wears his dog tag and proudly shows the paperwork verifying his honorable discharge.

In his 40s, Phillips joined gay-rights demonstrations for the first time, and came out to his mother, who replied, "Son, what's wrong with that?" He acted in TV shows, on stage and in a few films, eventually supplementing that career with a job at a New York law firm, and became increasingly engaged in gay activism. "By the '70s, I reached a point where I didn't stay quiet any more - I got tired and angry," he said. He notes that his generation of gay men was depleted by AIDS, and many of the survivors have few, if any, close relatives to offer support. "We're all in the same boat. Maybe there's a nephew or niece who helps out, but that's it," Phillips said. "One of the great things about SAGE is that I feel I have support, because I don't have any from my family."

Ruth Juster is 85. She's managed to build a family of her own - she and her longtime partner raised a daughter they adopted from Paraguay, and now they're contemplating getting married. Juster also keeps busy as chief organizer for SAGE's annual women's dance - the 25th anniversary gala will take place in late October, and she hopes for a turnout of 500. "There are always things still left to be done," she said at her West Village apartment. "My advice is to gather up your energy and courage, get involved and suddenly the world will feel open to you." A Minneapolis native, Juster came to New York in 1945, seeking fame as a journalist. She worked for a news service and for magazines, traveled abroad, and gradually shifted into a long career in market research. Her first lesbian love affair occurred in Italy, in the 1950s; the couple returned together to New York. "Way back then, being gay or lesbian was viewed as sinful. We hid. There were raids on the bars. Society looked down on us," she said. "A lot of people remained under the influence of that prejudice and kept their lives secret. We have to reach these seniors and let them know life is much different now. You have to speak up."

Back in his prime, Frank Carter danced for Earl Hines, the great jazz pianist, and other well-known musical acts. He performed in night clubs and at the famed Apollo Theater in Harlem, even starred on a television show in Venezuela. Now he has a pacemaker and a slew of daily medications, but his memory and self-deprecating humor remain sharp. In his tiny backyard patio, he shows visitors a mesmerizing scrapbook filled with photographs of himself on stage and at backstage parties, as well as dozens of portraits of the stars he accompanied or met - Eartha Kitt, Lena Horne, Melba Moore among them. Artwork collected from his travels covers the walls of his apartment.

Born in Chicago in 1922, one of eight siblings, he taught himself dancing before moving to New York in 1949. "Use your heart," he remembers his mother telling him. "Do what you want to do." He recalled some down times - his youthful dismay at hearing an anti-gay epithet, some of his friends contracting HIV years later. But mostly he looked back with delight and pride. Gigi Stoll, who describes their relationship as "like family," encourages his recollections. "You were so bad," she teases approvingly. "I was terrible," Carter replies, with a soft smile, "I had fun. People came after me. Sometimes you said yes, sometimes you said no. I could pick and choose." "I've had a tremendous life," he added. "Not one moment do I regret."

If some gays in their 70s and 80s have been emboldened to speak up, the noise level from the generation following them will certainly be louder. Gay and lesbian baby boomers - sometimes called the Stonewall Generation in honor of the 1969 New York riots that launched the gay-rights movement - have been accustomed since young adulthood to being open about their sexuality and aggressive in seeking civil rights. This means that policy makers - and the younger generation of gay-rights leaders - are likely to face ongoing pressure from gay seniors to take their priorities into account.

"The Stonewall Generation is an activist generation," said Amber Hollibaugh. "We had to gear up to fight an epidemic (AIDS). We built the institutions to take care of our own community in the face of government refusal to do that, and we understand what it means to build an infrastructure to deal with our own aging." Gay activists now regard the AARP as a valuable ally on aging issues - and welcome this as a turnaround from benign neglect toward their elders in the past. "It was clear we had to begin to pay some attention to what those different groups bring to the table," said Percil Stanford, the AARP's chief diversity officer. With a membership spanning the political spectrum, the AARP generally doesn't take stands on gay-rights issues, such as same-sex marriage. However, Stanford said same-sex partners should be afforded the same rights regarding health care decisions that straight couples have.

Financial security also is a concern - a bereaved gay or lesbian partner receives no Social Security survivor benefits. SAGE estimates that 70 percent of its clients have annual pretax incomes under $20,000, and Michael Adams says many gay boomers are notorious procrastinators - worse than straights - when it comes to long-term financial and health care planning.

Another challenge facing gay baby boomers - perhaps more so than their straight counterparts - is ageism. They perceive the celebration of youth and good looks, and the relative invisibility of older people, to be particularly pervasive in gay popular culture. "It overvalues one stage in your life and underscores a fear of getting old - not just 70 or 80, but 40 or 50," said Hollibaugh. "You're terrified. You think, 'It's over for me.' It creates a tendency to lie about how old we are." Gay boomers are apt to shake up this mind-set, Hollibaugh said. "It's not a generation that's going to be quiet in the face of their own community's refusal to deal with aging."

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Obama signs hate crimes bill into law

October 28, 2009 7:39 p.m. EDT

Washington (CNN) -- President Obama on Wednesday signed a law that makes it a federal crime to assault an individual because of his or her sexual orientation or gender identity.

The expanded federal hate crimes law, hailed by supporters as the first major federal gay rights legislation, was added to a $680 billion defense authorization bill that Obama signed at a packed White House ceremony.

The hate crimes measure was named for Matthew Shepard, a gay Wyoming teenager who died after being kidnapped and severely beaten in October 1998, and James Byrd Jr., an African-American man dragged to death in Texas the same year.

Shepard's mother, Judy, was among those at the ceremony that also included Vice President Joe Biden, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, Attorney General Eric Holder and leading members of Congress and the Pentagon, who were on hand for the appropriations bill signing.

To loud applause, Obama hailed the hate crimes measure in the bill as a step toward change to "help protect our citizens from violence based on what they look like, who they love, how they pray."

He cited the work of the late Sen. Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts and others "to make this day possible."

Later Wednesday, Obama stood with Shepard's parents and relatives of Byrd at a separate White House event honoring passage of the expanded hate crimes law.

Noting reports of 12,000 crimes based on sexual orientation over the past 10 years, Obama called the bill another step in the continuing struggle for protecting human rights.

"Because of the efforts of the folks in this room, particularly those family members standing behind me, the bell rings even louder now," Obama said. When he finished his remarks, he hugged the weeping relatives as the audience applauded.

Several religious groups have expressed concern that a hate crimes law could be used to criminalize conservative speech relating to subjects such as abortion or homosexuality. However, Holder has said that any federal hate-crimes law would be used only to prosecute violent acts based on bias, not to prosecute speech based on controversial racial or religious beliefs.

Former President George W. Bush had threatened to veto a similar measure, but Obama brought a reversal of that policy to the White House.

When the bill won final congressional approval last week, Human Rights Campaign president Joe Solmonese called the hate crimes measure "our nation's first major piece of civil rights legislation for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people."

Earlier this month, Obama told the Human Rights Campaign, the country's largest gay rights group, that the nation still needs to make significant changes to ensure equal rights for gays and lesbians.

"Despite the progress we've made, there are still laws to change and hearts to open," he said in an address at the group's annual dinner. "This fight continues now and I'm here with the simple message: I'm here with you in that fight."

Among other things, Obama has called for the repeal of the ban on gays serving openly in the military -- the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. He also has urged Congress to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act and pass the Domestic Partners Benefit and Obligations Act.

The Defense of Marriage Act defines marriage, for federal purposes, as a legal union between a man and a woman. It allows states to refuse to recognize same-sex marriages. The Domestic Partners Benefit and Obligations Act would extend family benefits now available to heterosexual federal employees to gay and lesbian federal workers.

However, some advocates for stronger rights for the lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender community have complained that Obama's administration is moving too slowly on his legislative promises.

Opponents of the expanded hate crimes bill challenged the need to specify one particular community in federal legislation. They contended that existing federal hate crimes laws were sufficient to protect the rights of people based on sexual orientation and gender identity.

More than 77,000 hate-crime incidents were reported by the FBI between 1998 and 2007, or "nearly one hate crime for every hour of every day over the span of a decade," Holder told the Senate Judiciary Committee in June.

At Wednesday's signing, Obama also praised what he called a bipartisan effort to start changing the culture of military spending through the annual appropriations bill. He noted that Gates had worked with congressional leaders to end what Obama called wasteful projects like the F-22 fighter bomber and a new presidential helicopter that would have cost "almost as much as Air Force One."

"I won't be flying on that," the president said.

Noting that cost overruns in military projects total tens of billions of dollars, Obama called for further "fundamental" reforms in how the government and Pentagon do business.

"We all know where this kind of waste comes from," he said, citing "indefensible" no-bid contracts and special interests pushing unneeded weapons systems.

Such actions are "inexcusable", "unconscionable" and an "affront to the American people" as the nation faces two wars and an economic recession, Obama said.

"Today I'm pleased to say that we have proved that change is possible," he said.